Hamlet- a parody

Words by Adam MacNaughton
Music: The Mason’s Apron

There was this king sittin in his gairden aw alane
When his brother in his ear poured a wee tait o henbane
Then he stole his brother’s crown and his money and his widow
But the deid king walked and got his son and said, Hey listen kiddo

I’ve been killt and it’s your duty to take revenge on Claudius
Kill him quick and clean and tell the nation what a fraud he is
The boy says, Right, I’ll dae it, but I’ll need tae play it crafty
So that naebody will suspect me I’ll kid on that I’m a daftie

Then wi aw except Horatio, and he trusts him as a friend
Hamlet- that’s the boy- kids on he’s roond the bend
And because he wasnae ready for obligatory killin
He tried to make the king think he was tuppence aff a shillin

Took the mickey oot Polonius, treated poor Ophelia vile
Telt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern that Denmark was a jile
Then a troupe o travellin actors like 7:84
Arrived tae dae a special one-night gig in Elsinore

Hamlet, Hamlet loved his mammy
Hamlet, Hamlet actin barmy
Hamlet, Hamlet hesitatin
Wonders if the ghost has cheated
That is how he’s waitin

Then Hamlet wrote a scene for the players tae enact
While Horatio and him watched tae see if Claudius cracked
The play was called The Moosetrap, no the one that’s runnin noo
Sure enough the king walked oot afore the scene was through

So Hamlet’s got the proof that Claudius gied his dad the dose
The only problem bein noo that Claudius knows he knows
So while Hamlet tells his mother that her husband’s no a fit one
Uncle Claud put oot a contract with the English king as hitman

And when Hamlet killed Polonius, the concealed corpus delicti
Was the king that’s choosed to send him for an English hempen necktie
Wi Rosencrantz and Guildenstern tae make sure he’d get there
Hamlet jumped the boat and put his finger on the pair

Meanwhile Laertes heard his dad had been stabbed through the arras
He came running back tae Elsinore tout de suite hot-foot fae Paris
Ophelia wi her dad killed by the man she was tae marry
Efter sayin that wi flooers she committed hari-kari

Hamlet, Hamlet: nae messin
Hamlet, Hamlet learned his lesson
Hamlet, Hamlet: Yorick’s crust
Convinced him that man, good or bad
At last must come tae dust

Then Laertes lost his place and was demandin retribution
And the king says, Keep the heid and I’ll provide you a solution
He arranged a swordfight for the interested pairties
Wi a blunted sword for Hamlet and a shairp sword for Laertes

Tae make things double sure, the old belt and braces line
He fixed a poisoned sword-tip in a poisoned cup o wine
The poisoned sword got Hamlet but Laertes went and mucked it
Cause he got stabbed hissel and he confessed afore he snuffed it

Hamlet’s mammy drank the wine, and as her face turned blue
Hamlet says, I quite believe the king’s a baddie noo
Incestuous murderous damned Dane, he said to be precise
And made up for hesitatin by killing Claudius twice

Cause he stabbed him wi his sword and forced the wine atween his lips
He cried, The rest is silence- that was Hamlet had his chips
They fired a volley ower him that shook the topmost rafter
And Fortinbras, knee-deep in Danes, lived happy ever after

Hamlet, Hamlet- aw the gory
Hamlet, Hamlet: end of story
Hamlet, Hamlet- I’m away
if you think that this is borin
You should read the bloody play.